I was dating this guy recently. It had been a couple of weeks since we’d seen each other and we had a date coming up, so, I wanted to prime the pump, as it were. I had read something on the internet (of course!) on how to use text messages to “drive him wild” (yeah, yeah, I know, I shouldn’t fall for these things, but geez, it looked so simple and the dating expert guaranteed it to work…that guarantee should’ve been my first clue.)
So, the simple guaranteed thing to do to drive him wild was to text these words to him: “I just can’t stop thinking about…” at which point, the guy was supposed to become intrigued and titillated. The pump would be primed. (Yay for that) Apparently, according to the dating expert, guys are somehow genetically predisposed to become hyper aroused by ellipses. Yes indeedy, those three tiny dots would work upon his psyche to make him curious.
After the ellipses, this guy, who would by now be foaming at the mouth, would undoubtedly text back “About what?” and that would lead into my next text, which was to be something slightly racy, about him, that alluded to what a big strong manly-man he was. Awesome, I knew just what to say! I was going to text back how I just could not stop thinking about how he had held my arms up and behind me when we were making out on the waterfront. I mean, for one thing, it was true… hell, what woman wouldn’t continue to think about such a wondrous thing. And, damn it, I KNEW this would make this very sexy man puff up with pride at his pure unabashed manliness. Step two would turn the lather into lust. Perfect!
The third step was to text how I couldn’t wait to see him.
I never got to the third step. I never even got to step two.
The internet expert had, once again, guaranteed that “I just can’t stop thinking about” followed by those little ellipses would have my man texting “about what?” post haste. “After all,” the expert had said, “what else could he respond with?”
Well, I’ll tell you, Mr. Internet Dating Expert guy, I’ll tell you exactly what this guy texted back. It was:
“Why Darla, do you get randy in rainy weather?”
What was I to do after that? The script was blown, I was blushing furiously instead of purring seductively. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap! I wanted to find a hole to hide in. CRAP!
Now, I don’t even know why I tried this. I’m just not the seductive type. I have trouble even flirting, I don’t know how it’s done, and it mostly just embarrasses me…okay, so, occasionally I do find myself flirting, and usually to good effect, but, I must say, it’s always when conversation just flows into flirtiness, and never, never, NEVER when I TRY to flirt and why oh why would I try to do something like this, that I am soooooooooo not good at?
(I am, however, awfully good at being mortified. Hyperbole and Mortification are vying to be my middle name…)
So, this guy and I did go on our date, and the pump was indeed primed, though not, I think, by my bumbling attempt, but rather by the fact that we liked each other. We dated for a bit after that, discovered that we weren’t right for each other, and mutually called it off. He’s a lovely guy and I wish him well.
As for following the advice of internet dating experts? Well, I have discovered that I just don’t want to work that hard to be with a guy. If I have to question my actions before I take them and worry about how a guy is going to react, well, what’s the point? That is just not much fun, and if it’s not fun, why go there? If I can’t be myself to be with someone, I’d rather not be with him; and, if he doesn’t like me for me, I’d rather he not be with me! Way simpler, way easier, far more fun! Being with someone should be because “we like each other” not “I did everything just right and it all worked out.” It should be easy, because, I gotta tell you, life will bring the hard stuff in due time without ever having to dredge it up, and, if it’s not relaxed and happy in the beginning, you are never going to have the wherewithal as a couple to make it through the tough bits! If you can’t be yourself with someone, that person is NOT the right one for you.
So, the moral of this story is:
Don’t try to be the seductive vixen if you’re the girl next door. Even if you’re the girl next door with purple hair and tattoos.