BODY SHOTS (or: THE 40 YEAR OLD DOUCHEBAG)

This is a mysterious Picture

This is a mysterious Picture

I got a message from a guy on OkCupid last Friday:

How was your’ week?” he asked.

Fabulous. How was yours?” I answered

I looked up his profile. Dreadlocks to his waist. I like that, definitely has a discernible edge, and, me being an unreformed weird one, I’m drawn to people with discernible edges. Plus, he’s forty.

Forty! That might not be so bad. I’ve been dating guys more my own age for most of this past year, mid-fifties, and while there are some very nice guys in that range, I’m finding that a large proportion of them are either curmudgeons or the owners of enough unremitted emotional baggage to fill a proverbial shipping container. There are some effed up puppies out there!

My baggage? (we’ve all got some) Well, I’ve been working on it pretty consistently for, oh, MY WHOLE LIFE, so, I think it’s down to about carry on size, give or take. Since I’ve been diligent about my own crapola, I prefer to date guys who have been diligent about theirs. (Let’s make a deal,okay? I won’t inflict my  issues on you, if you don’t inflict your’  issues on me)(Well… let me rephrase that: I won’t inflict any of the very, very, very few remaining  issues on you, and, if you so much as TRY to eff with me because somebody was a big meanie…you’re toast!)

Next message I get from dreadlock guy says

i like your pics btw, a bit mysterious though…i’d like to see a body shot of yours…could you email one?” (and yes, the lack of caps were his!)

halloween me 3 web

Yet another mysterious picture

halloween me 3 web bright

And another mysterious picture

mysterious picture 2

the MOST mysterious picture

One more mysterious picture

One more mysterious picture…and my rack!

Body shots? Really? On this guys profile, he states that he doesn’t know what he’s “looking to gain from a site like this…perhaps new friends and people to hang out with.” As a matter of fact, those little check boxes where you pick what you’re looking for, he’s checked one box and one box only:

Looking for New Friends.

Awww, isn’t that sweet! He’s looking for new friends, poor li’l lonely guy. But…body shots? Oh wait, let me guess: You refuse to be friends with a fat girl. You’re allergic to girls with bony knees. Cellulite gives you hives. Yeah, that must be it.

Body shots indeed!

So, I message this prince back, trying (and, I’m afraid, failing) to be polite:

Wait….MINE are mysterious? Dude, where’s your’ face? Lovely locks, btw, but, the only pic of you that shows yr. face is fuzzy and out of focus! Lol, guess that’s the difference between men and women: where our eyes land.
I took down the body shots, because I got tired of getting messages that said ‘hey, I really like your’ profile,and, AWESOME rack!!!’ I’ve also lost 50 pounds between the last ‘body shot’ and now, and don’t have any new pics. Sorry.”

(did you get the part where I was being polite? It was right there when I said “Lol.” Yeah…that was it. Do you think he got that? No? Oh well. My bad…)

Well, it’s been a few days since that last email, and I haven’t heard back from him,

*cartoon-sigh*….

What on earth do you think I did wrong?

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About babedarla

I've spent years as a clothing/costume designer with my own business, but a recent life change has put me on a journey of self discovery and returned me to my first love: writing!
This entry was posted in humor, love and dating and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to BODY SHOTS (or: THE 40 YEAR OLD DOUCHEBAG)

  1. The 40 year old magpie says:

    asked him for a clear pic.

  2. Bee says:

    this is awesome! Thanks Darla

  3. christine simeone says:

    this is why I gave up and got a dog. No longer have to worry about it, deal with anyone or stress that there isn’t anyone. Hahahaha.

  4. Alwyn Lhoir says:

    brought back memories of a time on the beach where a guy walks up behind me and says ‘i don’t mind the hair on the legs, but the hair under the arms have got to go!” i told him i gave at the office….dipshi*&

  5. Geez Louise, what a horse’s patootie. I hope you’ve managed to meet a few nice people with um…wait do they call them again? Oh yeah… a Clue.

  6. babedarla says:

    I keep thinking as my next career I should have a clue rental service (“Rent a clue for only a buck!”) I’d be a flippen BILLIONAIRE!!!!!
    And yes, I have met a FEW guys with clues, so I know they DO exist, lol!

  7. Thank you so much for your kind comments on my blog. I thought of another good idea for this guy and his charm offensive. Start an online flirtation with him, and ask for a photo of his junk…then write back “Sorry, kinda small”

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