My mind does a funny thing…whenever I’m thinking hard about something, or I’m concerned or upset, sad or mad, or just plain befuddled, I wake up to my subconscious singing to me:
Oh what a beautiful morning
Oh what a beautiful day
Oh what a wonderful feeling
Everything’s going my way
This happened when my dog died, when I lost my house, during business woes, but also for lesser things. It’s my minds way of telling me to buck up, that everything will be fine.
Lately I’ve also been waking up to random thoughts…now, these usually happen when I wake up too early, or in the middle of the night, or anytime when I’m just not quite ready to leave my sleeping state. The thoughts range from the utterly profound to the profoundly silly. (the other morning I woke up to “Never walk in the woods with a helmet on…when a tree falls in the forest, you want to be able to hear it before it hits you in the head.”)
Last night was a night of many awakenings, several random thoughts and Oh What a Beautiful Morning once the moon was down and the sun was up.
So, what am I upset, worried, concerned, sad, mad or just plain befuddled about? Well, I’ll tell you: I recently started hanging out with this guy (yeah, of course it would be that!) Now, the connection between the two of us is intense: rapid fire conversation till all hours of the night and morning, hanging out together long past the time that we should be at our’ perspective homes, waaaaay waaaaay more texts than have been necessary to simply convey information. But, even with all that, I’m confused about whether he sees me as a potential love interest, or simply as a buddy….
And what do I want from him? Well, if all we’re supposed to be is friends, I can see us being dear-dear, close-close friends for many-many years, if not for the rest of our lives. (have you ever had one of those instances when you meet someone and you just KNOW they’re gonna to be a big part of your’ life from here on in? Well, I have, and it’s always ended up being true!) I can see him as a valued friend!
On the other hand, do I want him to throw me around like a ragdoll? Oh hell YES I do! Oh man, this guy is HOT! And SEXY! (are those two synonymous?) and SMART and FUN, and I’m pretty sure we’d like a similar “style” of sex (not vanilla, that’s for sure!)(I do have to admit, I’ve got The River Guy to thank for that. Because prior to him, I WAS vanilla, or at least I thought I was!) And I could see us traveling together, working together, having fun together, all combined with steamy nights, intense afternoons and lots and lots of laughter.
Now, as some of you might have guessed, this is the guy I mentioned in “Goddess Gate”, the guy who asked me “So, you wouldn’t be into casual sex?”
No, I wouldn’t be…I do indeed want a relationship. Do I want one with this man? How the hell would I know that, I barely know the guy! Would I like to get to know him and find out? I’m sure you can guess the answer to that! Would I like a hot steamy affair to be part of that process? Well, that thought makes me all tingly inside, so, yes, yes, YES!!!!
If none of this is in the cards, is friendship a viable and desired alternative? Absolutely!
Just so you don’t think I’m full of it, or deluding myself about my feelings and how I’d like to see all this going down, I want to share with you the random thought I woke up to just the other morning:
“We’re either going to have a mad affair, or he’s going to help me learn what I need to learn in preparation for the next guy.”
Yep, I’m pretty intent on following the Goddesses lead on this one!
“So,” I’m sure you’re asking “Why did you wake up with Oh What A Beautiful Morning ringing through your’ head?”
Well, I’ll tell you: This man has told me a couple of times when he’s got a crush on another girl. My friend Kristen tells me that some guys do this, that they either don’t think anything of it, or they’re trying to see my reaction (MY reaction is non-reaction. Trust me, they do not want to see my REAL reaction: we’re talking Mad Morrighan, all sharp swords and fiery Celtic temper!)Also, when a guy tells me that he’s attracted to other girls, what I hear is “I’m not attracted to you, and this is the only way I can think to let you know.” Can you see why I’m confused? On one hand it seems as though he’s pursuing me (or at least pursuing time spent with me), not only with me actually having to make a break for it to leave his presence (“You’re not leaving NOW are you? No, you’re not leaving now.” when I’d already spent the better part of four days with him, and I should’ve picked my dog up from the sitters the night before, and I have work to do!) But also with the million and a half texts from him a day… And then “I have a crush on that girl!” WHAT?!? Oh my god, men are weird!
Last night it came to a head. He wants to design a sign for my business, so I emailed him some pictures that I think well represent Dolls Gone Wrong. He emailed me back “So, obvious question…who’s the hottie model in the awesome clothes?” Arggggh! To make matters worse, the girl in question is twenty-three years old[half his age!], AND my son’s girlfriend! I was crushed! (Now, what fifty-four year old woman wants to hear that the guy she’s interested thinks her prospective daughter in-law is HOT?!!!! Yeesh!)
So, yeah, I’ve been sad, mad and befuddled. I gotta tell you, too, Mad Morrighan came very close to making her appearance! Kristin had to talk me back from the edge (of battle!) I was PISSED!
I have thrown cards about this guy. I throw cards about most guys. I tend to think that oracles are helpful in confusing situations, and boy-oh-boy, men are confusing, so get out that deck! There are several cards that keep coming up: Wheel of fortune, with the challenge to ride the ups and downs and even learn to enjoy them, like the Ferris wheel at a carnival, and also to move towards the hub, which is my center when I find myself upset by the ups and downs. The other card is the hermit, which keeps coming up in the advice position. This instructs me to remove myself from the situation, to ponder and process and to not allow myself to be forced into making any decision or taking any action until I’m ready. To react (or NOT react) with wisdom.
Really good advice, and I’ve been following it…I almost didn’t last night, but thank God Kristin was there as my voice of reason…
I knew that cleaving to the Hermit card was what I needed to do, but, just to make sure, I also threw the I Ching. I am always SO amazed at the synchronicity of these oracles, both in their exactitude for the situation, and with their complimenting of each other. The hexagram I got was 52-”Keeping Still”, which is, in my viewpoint, pretty much The Hermit in I Ching form. Synchronicity is a marvelous thing! The changing line was interesting as well:
Light-hearted, foolish chatter about problems will often make them worse. If you lack inner calm, your words are bound to reflect the presence of fears, doubts, desires, impatience or other restless forces operating within you. This can cause harm in any number of subtle ways. .
Now, I of course saw this as advice to keep my fool mouth shut until I had processed and pondered (No Mad Morrighan here!),
So, last night, I just relaxed in my trailer, re-read the readings, both card and ching, read a woman’s blog on self acceptance, relaxed and meditated. I Fell asleep during the meditation and woke up to a fully formed random thought, which is the email I will send to this guy, lighthearted and easy, a little bit flirty, but also to the point:
I have so enjoyed getting to know you, and I’m enjoying the connection we share, the rapid-fire conversation and the fun we have. I do have to admit, though, that I’ve developed a bit of a crush on you. Now, sometimes it feels like it’s mutual, and other times it feels like you just want to be pals. Tell me this, do you see anything besides friendship happening between us?
I apologize for doing this the chickenshit, albeit strangely old-fashioned way, via email. I wanted to broach the subject in person, when you’re down here, but it just seems to me that if I have to nip my feelings in the bud, I’d like to do that sooner rather than later; conversely, if it’s okay for me to indulge in my fantasies, I’d love to know I have the freedom to do so….and I do have some GREAT fantasies! 😉
And when I get his response, I will go from there!
I’ve often heard Psychologists and self help guru’s state that you can’t change emotions. I cry bullshit! I have discovered from my own experience that you can indeed change them. I learned this when I had a crush on a guy that I knew to be a player. I knew that disaster would’ve ensued if he and I ever got together, but, boy oh boy did I have it bad for him. I’d go weak in the knees when I saw him. I had dreams (not waking dreams, real, dead asleep dreams)about him. We flirted, and I knew I could’ve had him, but it would’ve been bad! I recognized him as someone I’d been with before, archetypically speaking. I knew him as a man who always has several lovers, and I know me as someone who is incapable of sharing. So, I consciously and consistently worked at making those feelings of desire fade. Whenever I saw him, or thought of him, or thought about being with him, I would change the subject in my own mind, substituting thoughts of passion with other, less charged thoughts (anything from “I’m so glad to be friends with him.” to “Kittens!”) I gave thoughts of us being together absolutely no energy…and they faded, far faster than I ever thought possible. This is the same process you use when you’re changing negative self-talk. It’s easy and it works!
So, there you go, if his response is “friends’, I know what to do! (and if it’s “other”, I know what to do then too, wink-wink!)
I know, whether this man and I end up as lovers or friends, I’ll be fine with the outcome. I know there’s someone out there for me (or maybe several someones, I do have a few years left!) and as long as I stay open and true to myself, it will happen!
Here I am again writing about relationship issues! I think I should just give up feeling sheepish about it. Apparently it’s my niche! I’ve always felt that, whatever art or career I was pursuing at the time, there should be a sense of SERVICE to it. That’s a part of my nature, working for the common good, helping others feel better about themselves and their lot in life. At Dolls Gone Wrong, I felt my service was to take a woman who walked into my booth feeling ordinary, or less than ordinary, or simply less than, clothe her in something beautiful, and watch her leave feeling like a gorgeous goddess, feet barely touching the ground. So, perhaps my service in writing is to show other woman (and maybe men too!) that they’re not alone in all this, that there are ways to deal with heartache, and relationships, communications and lack of such, feelings of self-worth, ways to grow, ways to improve our lot in life. So if my experiences and my words can help someone, or make them laugh, or otherwise just brighten their day, then I am a happy and contented camper.
So, here we are several hours later, the email has been sent, a response received, and while it wasn’t the response I’d hoped for, it was sweet and kind and funny. He was flattered, he thanked me for the attention and for my frankness and said he felt we were more kindred spirits than romantically compatible. He said he preferred friendship and asked if that was okay, which I thought was darling! (I mean, what was I gonna say? “No, it’s not okay, rethink your’ preference, Buddy.” Well, I suppose I could have, but, it wouldn’t have changed anything.) He also talked about deep, invaluable friendships, so at least we’re on the same page there. Am I disappointed. Yes, of course I am (did I mention he was hot? Yeah, I know I did!) but it feels nice to be treated gently, and even though he said no, he also showed he cared and that he values me as a person. That’s important to me, and makes me happy.
I’m glad I brought it up, I really am (and I’m equally glad I did it the chicken way, the mortification would’ve been too much otherwise!)(there were tears shed, I must admit. I AM a softy!) I know me, and I know I could have spent far too long having a crush on him that was never going to be reciprocated. How frustrating would that have been? (far too frustrating is the answer to that!)And, let’s face it, an unrequited crush is SOOOO thirty years ago.
But, do you wanna know the biggest reason I’m glad I brought it up? I’m glad I brought it up because I was brave. (In many ways I think I was also practicing being brave.) I’ve had far too many conversations with men I’ve loved from afar ten years, or twenty years, or thirty years after the fact, men who are now married, or engaged, or otherwise firmly taken, wherein I’ve finally confessed my feelings to them….and their response was that they wished they’d known, because they had those feelings for me too but they were too shy, or afraid to do anything about it. I don’t want that to happen again. Ever. I don’t have the time for that anymore, I mean, who knows how long I have left.(well, I think I’ve got thirty-nine years left: I’ve “known” since childhood that I was going to live to be ninety-three…but, you never know, there’s that hit by a bus, car ,train, tomorrow, blah blah blah thing, so I could be wrong!)I just know that I want to spend however long I have in a life filled not only with adventure and laughter, but also with love. So I have to be brave. And vulnerable. Just like I was today. So it didn’t work out the way I had hoped. Maybe next time it will. Or the time after that. I simply have to keep myself open and keep being brave and vulnerable and keep having hope. After all, I’m a pretty, warm, smart, fun, and vibrant woman. Any man would be lucky to have me…wait let me rephrase that: the right man will be lucky, and have me!
This reminds me, of course, of a Luka Bloom song:
You play it safe
You lose the game
You keep your’ secrets
I wanna fly on the high trapeze
I get dizzy
Off my knees
Hope there’s a dove
Waiting to fly with me
‘Cause I know that shell’s no place
For me to be
A stranger to kiss
I played Hide and seek and found you
I brought a small bouquet to give you
Full of daydreams and cliches
To please you
I’m such a novice at this
A stranger to kiss
(Is it any wonder I’m such an incurable romantic? I really have to stop listening to Luka Bloom and Mike Scott…No. No I don’t!)
so, with this I will bid you adieu, listen to some more Luka Bloom, meditate, and fall asleep. Oh yeah, and write a poem! It’s about a rock. Shaped like a heart. And being happy. You’ll like it. I’ll post it tomorrow.