I am deleting “Words part 2” from this blog, and it will not be a chapter in any book. Why? Because it puts a man who was kind to me, a man I care about in an awful light. He and I BOTH behaved badly while we were feeling hurt. I try to live my life circumspectly, yet sometimes I fail. This was one of those times. I wanted the hurt to go away, you see, so I lashed out at the person who hurt me. I didn’t know I was lashing out at the time, I thought I was just “saying how I felt” but the letter I wrote to him, and the subsequent “chapter” was neither circumspect or righteous, and for that I apologize, both to him, and to anyone who read what I had to say. This writing thing is new to me, and I guess this lesson is “Just ’cause I feel it and wrote it, doesn’t mean I should publish or send it!” (gosh, at my age you would think I’d have learned that lesson years ago! I effed up!)
One of my acquaintances wrote in a comment on my blog several months back “there goes Darla dancing and skipping through life.” I’m feeling today like she should’ve said “dancing and TRIPPING” because sometimes those rocks on the path, be they pebbles or boulders, have me splayed out face first on the ground.
Here’s what I know about that man and I: We were drawn together, there was a strong attraction, there was fate involved. We were meant to meet, meant to come together, meant to part. He knew by the third date that we were not right for each other, not “meant to be. I knew it as well. I chose to ignore this knowledge. I think he probably tried to ignore it too, hence all the push me/pull me crap, the distancing and the drawing in, lather-rinse-repeat. I felt such strong feelings for him, that I wanted it to be, and I hoped wishing would make it so. It didn’t! You see, the problem with trying to ignore the truth for too long is, it eventually turns around and bites you in the ass!
There’s something I’ve been thinking about the last couple of days though…as anyone who knows me well can tell you, I am fascinated by numerology, by both the numbers and the theory (hell, I’m fascinated by the psuedo-sciences in general, though numerology holds a special thrill for me) I have just begun a 9 year (my birthday was last Thursday) and I am living a 9 life. This is the number of the completion of a cycle. What I’ve been wondering of late is, could the reason I’ve had so many intense yet short lived love affairs be that I’m clearing out (or burning through!) the karma of past-life relationships? Am I being silly by thinking this? (yeah, we ALL know I’m being goofy, that’s a given, this IS me, after all, but am I being silly?) Or could there be some validity in this? I’m always searching for meaning in the events that life offers up (not signs, but meaning…signs are far too difficult to interpret, I’ve gotten it wrong so many times!) Could it be that the reason I’ve yet to find “the one” (yeah, like I even believe in that crap!) is that I’ve got to work my way through the karma of before? For some people, connecting with someone else on a soul to soul level comes so easily. For me it never has, it’s always been difficult, and, at my age, I can no longer blame my parents, because they blah, blah, blah or DIDN’T blah blah! I have had to come to terms with being an intense little bunny, and not simply the lighthearted air sign I like to see myself as. Many things do not come easily to me, but I am stubborn and smart, so…well, unfortunately stubborn and smart do very little for one in the dating/relationship arena (stubborn is particularly a problem, as in “Damn, girl! Just let go already, it’s OVER!” * sigh *, I’m better about that than I used to be, but obviously not “cured” yet!)
And so I ramble on, both figuratively and literally, in my life and in this missive. I won’t be attempting to date anyone for the next couple of months, and no, it’s not because I’m scared, or closing down again (I’m not!) but because I’m in Southern California and I don’t want to get stuck here. If I fell in love with someone here, I’d be stuck! (please Goddess, do NOT take this as a challenge!) Instead I think I would like to concentrate on my spiritual life. I’d like to find a “practice” to call my own. I may just try meditation again. The last time I meditated was in my twenties, and it was shortly after a traumatic event and while I was suffering through PTSD. That was NOT the time to open myself up more psychically, let me tell you! Now, however, I’m more grounded, healed, and a strong enough woman that I think it would be fine. I think it would be good for me. I’m going to sing every day, as well, because singing was something that used to give me joy, and I think it can again. And dancing, and swimming and hiking. There are lots of things to keep me occupied this summer, up here in the mountains. I think I’m going to enjoy myself!