Angry Me!

I am pissed off! And more than being pissed off, I am pissed off that I’m pissed off! I so want to be done with this! I want to put all these emotions behind me and move forward! Is everyone as sick of hearing about The River Guy as I am of spouting off about him? Urrrggh! I am bloody well tired of him. It was such a short time spent with the guy, now I’ve been broken up with him longer than I was with him. Enough already!

But, I do know that anger is a necessary step in the healing process, and I gotta tell you, I’ve got it in spades! I hadn’t thought about him in, well, at least DAYS…but here I am, at the friends house south of Seattle, the place I was just before I left for Oregon where I met the Jackass! (Wow! Yep! I’m angry!) So I guess that’s why my mind is drawn to this particular topic…I might as well just go with it, and get it all out! After all, it’s better than the “meh” attitude, which is akin to ambivalence, and I sure as hell do NOT want to get stuck in THAT particular lovely emotion! (or, would that be a non-emotion?)

Time to excise this man from my soul! He never knew me, he never bothered to get to know me, he judged me on the basis of external similarities to other women, he swept me off my feet, then found me lacking…in a pot-smoke-haze, so what does he know!??!!!!!

(you know, I think back to his stories about how he met his wife, how he swept her off her feet, but how she fought back at the rapidity of it all…it occurs to me that he probably wanted me to have doubts, subconsciously anyway, wanted to “win me over”, all that kind of crap, the mighty hunter having to lure his prey, blah, blah, blah, blah- blah! Well, FUCK THAT!!!!!!! I don’t do that game playing bullshit! If I like you, I like you, and don’t try to sweep me off my feet if you’re not going to carry me the distance! Oooh I’m angry! Geez Louis, what a dickhead! What a child! What an immature FOURTEEN YEAR OLD BOY!!!!!!!!

Done, done, done, done, done, done, DONE!!!! Go away evil man, get out of my mind, vacate my soul, flee from my lovely heart. I don’t want your’ ghost there anymore! Today I’m thinking of an old exercise wherein you have an imaginary sharp knife and you cut the invisible cords that go from soul to soul betwixt and between yourself and the person you want to let go of…I’m sure I will be doing this exercise all fricken day!

But, I’m going do that one better! Tomorrow, as I drive past the freeway exit to the road that goes the forty or so miles to his house, I’m going to visualize the vision of him breaking apart, pixel by pixel until he’s left my heart, left my soul. I wish to be done with him!

(I’m betting I’ll do this past Portland, past Salem, past Eugene, past Ashland, HELL, maybe all the way to California! Whatever it takes!)

So sorry about the rant! I promise, no more talk about The River Guy! That topic’s boring!

But…wish me luck, would you?

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About babedarla

I've spent years as a clothing/costume designer with my own business, but a recent life change has put me on a journey of self discovery and returned me to my first love: writing!
This entry was posted in love and dating, spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Angry Me!

  1. babedarla says:

    so, Knowthesphere, do you like this because a.) you like the writing. b.) you like that I’ve finally got to place of anger, fer cryin’ out loud, or c.)You’re as bloody sick of hearing about The River Guy as I am of spewing about him, and you like that I’m almost DONE with said spewing!?????
    And, of course, LOL!

  2. I send you the light of Spirit to wash you, purge river guy from your consciousness, purify your body, remove his energy signature, refiner’s fire to remove the dross he left behind in your heart, and a peaceful, warm, healing balm of Divine Mother’s Love to soothe, nurture and nourish your body and return you to balance, power, wisdom and wholeness of heart and mind. Blessings in your journey of healing. Feel your feelings to completion (anger when anger arises, sadness when sadness arises,etc) and don’t forget to ask for divine assistance! The only good thing about heart ache is the broken pieces allow the Light to enter. “God takes life’s pieces and gives us unbroken peace” Gough

    • babedarla says:

      you wrote: The only good thing about heart ache is the broken pieces allow the Light to enter. “God takes life’s pieces and gives us unbroken peace” Gough

      Isn’t that the truth…I ask that what the Universe deemed should be taken away is gone, what the Universe deems I need to keep, for my own edification, I keep, and, all in all, I am healed and happy and move forward in life and spirit!
      Thank you for your’ words and blessings!

  3. I wish you LOTS of luck! It seems to take a bloody long time to stop having angry thoughts about them, doesn’t it! I was thinking on the way somewhere today, if I had to lift a finger to stop R being blasted in the head with a shotgun, would I? I probably would, but just out of guilt really. Awful. Our minds aren’t ours to control – we can just influence, I guess, and hope for the best eventually.

    • babedarla says:

      The thing for me is that it took me so long to GET angry! I should’ve been angry a long time ago…first off, I tend to NOT get angry so much with people I care about, it takes a LOT for me to get really angry (oh, I can get ticked, annoyed, pissed off, all that, but to get TRULY angry, someone REALLY has to fuck with me!) and, also, this guy was also very KIND to me, in fact, he was MOSTLY kind to me, so it was confusing…but the anger is that necessary step…and I’m glad I got there! (and, honestly, kindness aside, the ways he behaved and treated me that inspire this anger, well, let’s just say, this anger is well deserved!)

  4. Dear babedarla,

    Visualisation is good for you especially if you use the knife that cuts the soul to soul cord to help him break apart into microscopic pixels. Start with his balls.

    Love Dotty xxx

  5. mrschelo says:

    Your wrote: “don’t try to sweep me off my feet if you’re not going to carry me the distance.” That phrase really struck a cord with me..Very profound statement and really gives me food for thought! My thoughts are with you! I have been where you and are understand what your going through…Not sure where you are heading to in California but if you go through Humboldt County send out some love for me. That is where I am from. Just a thought…When I was going through what you are, I wrote a letter to my “river guy” and just poured out all my hurt, anger ect…I put it in a bottle, sealed it up, and sent it a float in the Ocean…I have found that creating a ritual of closure has always been very helpful to me in the healing process! Safe travels!

    • babedarla says:

      That is very true, the closure thing…and, I’ve discovered that going to THEM for closure is usually not very productive, because they don’t often know the “Why” of their actions and decisions…especially if their life consists of a pot filled haze! (which I’m sure you would know, NOTHING about, living in HUMBOLT and all!!!! LOL!)
      All my feelings went into my blog and my book…I’m sure it would’ve helped to have been able to share many of them with HIM while we were in the middle of it, but, between his proclamations and that fact that (I believe) I had a six week contact high (and pot is NOT my ally!)I was simply unable too!

  6. babedarla says:

    And I will send good thoughts your’ way as I pass by Humbolt…I’ll be on the 5, not the 101, so, parallel to Siskiyou county I’m guessing!

  7. Noeleen says:

    Love how crazy honest you are – & blogging clearly helps you ‘unwind’ ! 🙂 I never thought they’d allow the word f*k – especially in CAPS! You put it out there. First time I’ve seen it.

    Well, good luck with your visualisation – & I DO know this feeling. Sounds like he really needs some getting over 🙂

    Noeleen
    http://www.VodkaWasMyMuse.wordpress.com
    http://www.WordsFallFromMyEyes.wordpress.com

  8. babedarla says:

    Yep, they allowed it, lol! and thank you for loving how “crazy honest’ I am…I kinda think life would’ve been better if I had just decided to be this way 30 years ago! Now I’m in my 50’s and just am not willing to be anything but who I am! (there is a terrible and lovely freedom when you’re in “the Crone” stage of life! You don’t like me or how I think? Who cares! So wish I would’ve discovered this when I was 12!)
    and Yes, this man is taking a LOT of getting over! Writing the “letting go of it all” letter right now, and it’s tough! (wish me luck!) But, how can I be pissed at him for never seeing me, if I’ve been less than forthright in showing myself! So wanna be done! And, the reality is, the writing of the letter is important, the reception of the letter is not…and, at least he’s given me grist for the mill!

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