I just washed my hair with dog shampoo !
I did this because I’m all out of people shampoo and too phucking poor to go buy more…ooh, a rhyme, I like it!
The good news? I’ve got a nice fluffy coat.
The bad news? It seems to have made the dye run away from my hair…the grey is showing, and while that looks lovely on my beautiful Blue-Belton English Setter, it’s not such a good look for me.
(While we’re discussing my dog, dog shampoo, dog hair, and most things dog, I just want to insert my favorite, most appropriate rant here: No, NO! He is NOT a freaking long haired dalmation! First of all, no such breed variant exists, and, if it did, it STILL would NOT look like my dog: wrong body shape, wrong size, wrong head shape…and my dog, well, any setter for that matter, has such a glorious huge nose that no Dalmation could ever hope to grow into, with stupendously pendulous flews that one just can’t help but play with, much to the chagrin of my doggy-dog-dog!)
There, I’ve said it!
(But, I really must add: to the the young kid, the terrible teen who wanted to argue the point with me, the one who snottily insisted, “Well he LOOKS like a long haired Dalmation.” may I just say this:
Don’t argue dog breeds with a certified (and certifiable!) dog-nerd unless you have the knowledge to back it up!!!!!
Get a book, do some research, google it like a normal teenager…do anything you want, just leave me the hell alone, you make me cranky!)
Back to the subject at hand….where was I? Oh yeah, dog shampoo!
So, the worst part is not the washing out of gorgeous color…oh, no, while that is sad, and rather disheartening (I’ll smack the first twenty-something that calls me m’am!) the worst part is that I’ve begun to chase cats!
Now, I don’t know for a fact that my new found predilection for cat-chasing comes from washing my hair with dog shampoo, it could be, though the rational side of me thinks this theory might be stretching logic a bit thin…perhaps I’ve begun the cat thing because I’m terribly-terribly hungry, and that plump persian over there is looking quite delicious for the stew pot!
Now why, you might ask, am I so terribly-terribly hungry? Well, you might ask that, but don’t be surprised if I go all mental on your’ ass for asking such a damn fool question! I just so happen to be so terribly-terribly hungry because that is one of the Perils and Pitfalls of being TRULY PHUCKING POOR!!!!! Did you not READ the title of this delightful yet charmingly vicious bit of fluff? (not to be confused with the fluff-fluff-fluffiness that is now my hair, which is delightful, yes, but not at all vicious, charming or otherwise.)
I’m terribly-terribly hungry because I am, at the moment, truly phucking poor! All I’ve had to eat for days is fruit! I’ve become a goddamn fruitarian without even meaning to! (If this goes on I may have to start wearing Tevas and long flowing skirts and stop dyeing my hair permanently….no, that’s too horrendous a thought! After that I might unintentionally start chanting and doing yoga!)
I gotta tell you, the large inexpensive bag of apples lasts a lot longer on the shelf than the individual apples do when they hit my gullet! Geez, they’re like Chinese food! I’m hungry again in an hour…or less!
I. NEED. MEAT!
And that is why Precious over there is looking so tasty!
The thought of a fat-feline frying away on my stove has my salivary glands dancing on a parade route that goes from mouth to floor, I swear I’m going all Homer Simpson over that kitty!
Awww, dammit! It got away. Who knew a cat that fat could run that fast!
Oh wait, there’s a squirrel….dogs chase squirrels too, right?
But, my amazing, wonderful cookbook, the one inherited from my mom, and her mom, and her mom’s mom, the one that tells you how to skin and cook a squirrel. THAT cookbook? it’s in storage now, isn’t it, far away…damn! Oh, and look! He’s gone away anyway! What to do, what to do? Well, I guess I could eat another apple!
And then I’ll sit in the sunshine in a hunger fueled daze and brush my shiny coat!
I mean hair, brush my shiny hair…