When I embarked upon this journey of self discovery, I decided that I was going to love the men who became part of my life “fully and with all my heart” and that, when something was over, I was going to “let go with love and grace.” and then move on…
I’m finding this harder to do than I anticipated.
Oh, not the “fully and with all my heart” bit, or even the “love and grace” part. No, those two are easy. It’s the letting go part that’s giving me trouble!
A friend of mine told me that the “formula” for the healing of a broken heart is this: It takes half as long to heal than the length of the relationship. Seems logical.
And guess what? Eight days ago was three weeks since I left Oregon, and, since I had been with that man for six weeks, well, that would be about right, now wouldn’t it? Wonder of wonders, I realized that I hadn’t cried that day…then I didn’t cry the next day, Thursday, or Friday or Saturday either. But then I made a fatal mistake: 4:30 am on Sunday, I drunk emailed The River Guy! Now mind you, it wasn’t something that just randomly happened, just cuz the party I’d been at had been rip-roaring and I got sloppy and lonely, or some fool thing like that. Nope, it was because during the last hour or so of said party, when things were winding down, this guys name was mentioned three times! So, of course, since I was the only person there that actually KNEW him, the guys that were being mentioned were OTHER guys with the same name, but, well, I’m a freak about synchronicity, so…
As my friend Randy (who’s party it was) says “Once is an incidence; Twice is a co-incidence; Three times is a pattern!”
So, of course I HAD to email him!
Now, lest you think I turned into a soppy soul right there on my laptop, let me assure, no, I did not. I didn’t even write anything, except in the subject line. “For your’ river” I wrote, and sent him a picture of a bed built to hang over a river, like he had said he wanted to do. Simple. No heart wrenching missive of love gone south, no pleading to take me back, none of that (because, as I’ve explained, the formula for heart healing after heart break was, in this case, three weeks, which had indeed elapsed! I was fine!)
Yeah right! Until I got a message or two from him! I hadn’t fully expected a response, after all, it had taken him a week to respond to my response to his query about how my drive from Bumphuck ,Oregon to beautiful Bainbridge Island had gone; Then, when I responded to his response to my response…well, that time he didn’t respond at all!
But this time he did. Immediately. Like I said, I emailed him at 4:30 am, and there was an email from him when I got up at noon. I didn’t answer him right away. I fact, I waited till the NEXT evening, and then kept it short and sweet. Again, he emailed me back right away, even called me “bright eyes” like he used to do when he thought he could’ve loved me. That’s when the tears started. Not a lot, mind you, like I’ve said in other posts, I’m not completely losing myself to bittersweet melancholia, but, a few times, every day…
I haven’t returned his last email. I decided it just wouldn’t be wise. I decided to practice letting go, by letting go. I decided to not engage, even if I do have the ingrained belief that it’s a little rude not to return an email from someone you care about, especially if you’re the one that started the correspondence to begin with. I decided to go easy on myself.
That was yesterday.
I haven’t cried since.