Letter Unsent

I read somewhere that men above all want to be understood, that they’ll fall madly and deeply in love with a woman who truly understands them. I think I probably understand you more than you know, but that’s mostly through intuition, and ,of course there’s no way to understand someone fully and deeply through intuition alone…There has to be dialogue. And by that I mean back and forth, one on one talking. You can’t expect a woman to understand you by giving her one-sided gruff-blustery monologues that let her know who’s boss. That only engenders fear and timidity on her part…unless she’s a scrapper, and I gave up that position years ago. I don’t wanna fight, and I won’t.

A woman, on the other hand, wants to be SEEN. Honestly, for most women, you don’t even have to agree with her, you just have to see down into her soul to the essence of her, to who she really is, and accept her. That’s what we most want. I think you did see me that first night. You saw the goddess within me, and the good woman, the talented and the lovely, the sweet, the kind, the beautiful, the ME. You might’ve even seen me again a few other times….perhaps on the second date; but by the next morning I feel as though you had superimposed spectres of other women upon me. You stopped seeing who I was and started laying out rules based on who I wasn’t. I felt as though I was being asked to battle for another womans rights to be her. I felt decidedly unseen. And, because I have somewhat the spirit of a doe, that timidity overwhelmed me and I ran…not physically, of course, because I was still entangled with the sweet memories of that first night, and I already loved you a bit, and wished, and hoped and cried for the return of that beautiful intertwining of our’ souls that I, that we felt that night….so I ran inward…

And, to be fair, I DID warn you that if we slept together that first night, I might run. Of course I thought that meant hitching up the Airstream and getting the hell out of Dodge, like I had done in the past, I had no clue I would run inward, not with all my talk of late of having—and keeping–a big open heart! It seems that what I need to do now is, instead of building a wall around my heart like I used to do, learn to build a steel cage around the marshmallow that is my resolve…I do know myself, after all, at least in reaction, if not in the exact modes of action.

Honestly though, if you had continued to see me, if you hadn’t superimposed the spectres, if you hadn’t presumed I was going to treat you in ways that were against my nature, and belonged to your’ past, to your’ broken heart(s), and not to me…well, I wouldn’t have run. I would’ve stayed right there with you, soul to soul. There was absolutely no ambivalence on my part as to being with you, getting to know you, loving you, discovering a possible future. I could see falling deeply in love with you, see us years down the road together, the vision was bright, and colorful, and I would’ve delighted in getting to know you to see if it was real!

It may take me a bit to get over you. Probably longer than my last love. I woke up thinking about this, wondering why. When the answer came to me so, so quickly, I was inspired to write this. You see, my last lover SAW me, knew me. When we last parted, it wasn’t in anger, or hurt: as a matter of fact we had just had a rather amazing and wonderful few days together, and had connected in that soul to soul way that I love so much. But, when I looked in his eyes before he left I saw what I had seen reflected back to me in the mirror for so, so many years. I saw the ambivalence of a still broken heart. I knew this man couldn’t give me the deep love that I want and deserve. And I knew it wasn’t personal. I think this man might have loved me that deeply if he could, or, if we had been lovers at a different time in his life….but until the ambivalence is gone, and his heart is healed, he cannot give that kind of love, nor can he receive it…

And so I let him go, in light, with love and grace, with the prayers of the healing of his heart that he deserves so much.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I cried, I mourned what could’ve been. But there was nothing to be done but let go…

You, however, another story…rejection has a different sting. Especially when I feel unseen, and feel part of what I’m being rejected for isn’t even me. But, time is my friend in this. I will mourn what might have been, I will miss the nights of pleasure, the moments when our souls did connect, the laughter, the sharing of thoughts and ideas…but I will do my best to take the time to heal and no more, to not get stuck in the dark tumescent pleasure of wallowing, to let go, be done, and open my heart to a man who can both see me, and who is ready for me.

I wish you well in this life. You are a good man who deserves all the glorious love that life can muster, and I hope you find her. (and I still wish she could be me,*sigh*)(time!) But do yourself, and her a favour: before you ask that she understand you, look down within her soul and see her, really SEE her. See her beauty, see her grace, see her foibles and flaws, and love her, and accept her. ALL of her. Don’t blame her for another lovers sins, or credit her with another womans kindness…see HER!

And, as to her understanding you, that will happen, I guarantee it. You don’t have to demand it (and, in fact,demanding it will only delay it!) You see, we women WANT to understand our men, and it’s in our’ nature to understand, in our’ nature to look deep and discover what’s down inside the people we love…well, perhaps I shouldn’t proscribe this to my entire gender, perhaps there are women who aren’t like this. But it’s true of me. And every woman I know.

As my friend Barry said to you on the phone yesterday (ah, Barry, you big loving goof!) “Women are a lot more complicated than a quad, aren’t they?”

Yes. Yes we are. But we’re worth it!

Advertisements

About babedarla

I've spent years as a clothing/costume designer with my own business, but a recent life change has put me on a journey of self discovery and returned me to my first love: writing!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Letter Unsent

  1. This seems a very personal post. I like the way you put it, that a woman wants to be really ‘seen’. You’re very brave to stand up for what you want in life, I think!

  2. babedarla says:

    Thank You! It took me a good many years to get to this point in my life, and I see no other way to live! As for it being a very personal post…well, I know no other way to write! 😉

    Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. LLynn Ritz says:

    Just keep writing Darla…….you poor your heart and bare your soul………..Love will find you !

  4. babedarla says:

    And the writing is so healing for me too! Thanks Llynn!

  5. j says:

    This is lovely, and I’m touched not only by your honesty but by your generosity. What you describe, this tendency lovers have to saddle new loves with the sins and transgressions of past loves is so common. We do it all the time. With friends and with lovers. And even in long-term relationships, we often don’t see change because we’re too busy viewing everything from the prism of our past hurts.

    I love this post for the reminder that it is to be patient, to look through new eyes as much as we can, to be tender and forgiving when our impulse is to be defensive and angry.

    Yes, work on that steal cage around your resolve, because your big beautiful heart’s shine is going to attract exactly the man you need to stay open for.

    • babedarla says:

      Awwwe Judy, thanks! Your last sentence made me cry….I have to tell you that your blog(s) have been such an inspiration to me, both in my writing AND in my journey, and its wonderful to share my blog with you!
      Thanks!

    • babedarla says:

      You know, Judy, you made me think….I do that superimposing thing too (I guess it’s a natural human tendency!) but instead of using it as a reason (or excuse!) to distance myself, I tend to look at it as a way to heal past trauma, as sort of a karmic do-over, a chance for for me to moderate my behaviour and reactions, to come at things from a wiser, more evolved place…or at least a bit smarter, lol.

  6. Pingback: All sunshiny for once? « An Etiquette Guide for Sluts

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s