Hey Scotty, can you believe it took till today for me to be mad at him? One full week! Ridiculous! And hence the subject line,”women are weird too!” Cuz we are…especially odd, talented, hyper-intelligent, warm and very sensitive girls like me!
I woke up mad! I woke up thinking: “That asshole, he hasn’t emailed me for two days” (course he called me yesterday, but that was to see if I was willing to house-sit till Sunday so’s he can see his brand new baby grandson—of course I said yes, that’s important,that one is!)(Besides,I have to look at it this way: free room and board!)(and calls don’t count anyway, cuz emails are our thing! *stomps foot adamantly*) So,of course, there was an email from him when I logged on shortly after waking! Damnit, just when I wanted to be angry!
I stayed angry anyway!
I answered that email, but just to acknowledge/say thanks that he was getting $$$ to me so I could get propane and put gas in the car and not feel so terribly stuck, out here in the country with all this RAIN!!!! And also to tell him I gave his daughter the ## where he was in Seattle. I was very perfunctory though, just info, no flirting,no teasing.
He emailed me in the afternoon, thanking me for giving his daughter the ##. Then he said how homesick he was, and how he missed his house so,and how he almost just came on home…and he sounded so sad!!! I didn’t email him though, cuz I was still mad, plus I remembered your’ advice to just let him be and not respond…so, I took the money he had gotten to me and went on in to town, angry as can be…I was only about 20 minutes from getting back when I realized that I hadn’t been angry till today, just sad, and confused and hurt…makes me think that it would probably behoove me to get to angry faster, as it’s a stronger place to be than sadness, confusion and hurt.
Shortly after I realized I had only just gotten angry, I realized how absurd it was for me to be angry at him for being a gruff and grumpy curmudgeon…sort of took the wind out of the sails of my indignation at HIM being angry at me for my sensitivity/tears…..how could I be indignant at him for getting angry at me for who I am, if I think it’s ok to be angry at him for who he is…Ah,logic! Very soon, the anger was gone…but, lo, and behold, it did it’s job, and the sadness and hurt have lost their foothold (and yeah,I know these things are cyclical.*sigh*)
Anyway, after the anger dissipated, I went ahead and emailed him back, comforted him. Figured it this way: I’ve given it to the Universe…it’s out of my hands! If there are more things we can teach each other, or if we would be a good match, then it’s more likely for to happen if I’m just being myself, NOT trying to do things the way ”relationships experts” (or even my darling friend Scotty) say I should…after all, I want a man who loves me for who I authentically am, not some poor guy who gets hoodwinked into thinking I’m someone I’m not. Never wanted to “play the game”, don’t quite know why I’ve been trying to “learn the rules” of late. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are things I need to work on that may make it easier for a man to SEE and LOVE the real me! First and foremost, is getting to a place where my sensitivity GUIDES me and away from a place where that same sensitivity CONTROLS me (let’s face it, crying during the 2nd or 3rd date…or both!…makes me seem more like a lunatic, and less like the righteous chick I am…)(*groan*)(tools! I need tools!) Obviously there are places in my heart and soul that still need healing, but I am confident I’ll get there….this is probably why the universe put this man smack dab in the middle of my path right as so many important planets were doing their retrograde thing: so’s I could have old (and I DO mean OLD) issues come back up after many many years, smack me in the face, and get me to work on them.
So, I am at the point of resignation…but in a good way, not bad. You see, I still DO like this guy, and I would love it if we ended up together, back to checking things out, seeing if we have some kind of future together. But I know I have absolutely no control over the outcome, it either will be, or it won’t be…but there’s another thing I know: I know that if it doesn’t happen with this guy, it will happen with another. I’m an amazing woman, beautiful inside and out (and to think, I didn’t even know this for real until a guy told me, lol! But, once that guy DID tell me, it rang so true, resonated so loudly, that I KNEW it must be so. And I accepted it. Just like that! Guess I was finally ready to hear it and own it!)
I think back to my twenties, and, god, probably…no, definitely my thirties too: back then I believed the whole “soul mate” thing, that there was one man for one woman, and it was all fated and destined! No wonder I was devastated when things with some beautiful man didn’t work out! “He was the one and now I was gonna be alone for the rest of my life!!!!” Crock of shit? Hell yes, you better believe it. Here’s what I know now: I’m a beautiful, amazing, warm, fun, goofy, wonderful off kilter woman and somewhere out there there’s a handsome, amazing, warm, fun, goofy, wonderful, off kilter MAN out there—or three, or five, or a dozen. And one of them I’m gonna wanna keep. And one (or more) will wanna keep me too!
So, it’s the equinox, and the dark moon. I’ve cleared out a space, cleaned and set up an altar of sorts, a place for me to celebrate the coming of spring and the growth and vitality it brings. I’ve bought sweet pea seeds, and I’ve thought of a ritual wherein I plant the two seeds, and envision the seeds sprouting, as they grow,these individual plants turn towards one another, leaf by leaf, tendril by tendril, intertwining, growing together,closer and closer until they are wrapped together,like the arms of a couple embracing in love. All this takes time,this turning this growing and growing closer, but it is worth it as the beauty of love blooms.
(I wish I had the talent to draw this! With the vines becoming the bodies of a loving couple, the blooms their faces. I don’t have this talent, but I know someone who does: Someone I’ve known, quite literally since she was born, a very talented artist, and my unofficial goddaughter. I think I’ll ask her to draw this for me. I think it would be nice to have someone who’s “family” be a part of this. I also think it would make a lovely and profound tattoo!)
This is how I’ll start spring, with a ritual and a vision about love and growth!
Well,apparently this is not a letter! Its become a blog post…but you get it first, my dear friend! Thanks for putting up with my “lovely lunacy”!