So, don’tcha think the whole internet dating experience is a wee bit like window shopping for love? I mean, come on now, it strikes me like this:
You’re walking down the proverbial (or virtual!) street looking at all the displays in the windows…ooh, look! That one might fit…except, no, the color’s just a little off, it’s kinda what you were looking for LAST year, and well, it’s just a little too short.
(That last one, I’m afraid, is based as much in reality as it is in metaphor…I’m 5’9″! Now, before you get all in my face about how shallow I am, let me explain: This is TRULY a case of “it’s not you, it’s me.” See, at 5’9″ and more pounds than I’m EVER going to mention in print, I would feel HUUUUGE next to your’ darling little frame. A Mastodon in an army of ants, Godzilla attacking a tourist town, Jupiter orbiting around…well,anything… Jupiter is BIG! See, the thing is, you gorgeous guys of lesser stature, even we big(ger) girls like to feel like delicate flowers next to our’ man! That’s hard when we’re towering above you!)
(Now, if you’re 5’7″ and are built enough and strong enough that you can pick me up and twirl me around…please ignore EVERYTHING I JUST SAID!!!!!)
(and bonus points if you can playfully toss me around in bed! rowwr!)
Okay, enough asides, back to it: next window…oops,yuck, pass! wrong, wrong, wrong! Eeeew!
Hmm, the next one is promising, I like the flow of it…I’d look GOOD in that one, and, more importantly, I’d FEEL good, all wrapped up in silky sensuality! I UNDERSTAND this one, feel like I’ve been “wearing” it for ever! Yep, this one’s promising, gotta go in and try it on.
Damn it! It doesn’t fit!
Or, it doesn’t come in my size.
Or, it doesn’t feel NEARLY as good as I thought it would.
Or, it’s actually just plain sleazy!
Gosh I’m disappointed. Oh well, time’s a wasting’, gotta get back on track! Hey! I know! I’ll try the shopping service where the “professionals” pick out a few things for me to try…Oh, I’m excited as I wait for their choices to be paraded in front of me, maybe they know something I don’t!
No. No! Apparently they don’t:
That one? Really? No,REALLY? How in your’ right mind could you EVER think…really?
Next one: well, not so bad, kinda nice, attractive, but..wait! Is that a flaw I see? Would I have to alter that one? Cuz, personally, I don’t believe in altering this kinda “purchase”…
Next one: too hippiefied.
Next one: too conservative!
Next one: CHURCHLADY! (agggggghhhh!)
Okay, last one (please,please,please, please,please,please!): Oh! Hey! That one’s not so bad! I kinda like it! Yeah,I could definitely see myself in that one…but wait! Oh no!
It doesn’t fit!
It doesn’t come in my size!
It kinda feels like sandpaper!
I would look HUUUUGE in that! Kinda like Jupiter orbiting…well,you know!
So, obviously there are areas where the metaphor doesn’t fit…in all my days, I have NEVER had a dress reject me…I’ve never embarrassed a suit in public (though we all know that clothing is not anywhere as considerate of OUR’ feelings when it comes to embarrassing US in public–just ask Janet Jackson!) I’ve never been stalked by a jacket, insulted by a pair of shoes, or creeped out by a pair of pants (creeped up on, but never creeped out by!)(cameltoe doesn’t count!) so yeah,I know my theory is flawed, just a metaphor, maybe a bit of an allegory, just a tiny little story written to express my feelings….
Oh well, gotta go! Gotta get back to shopping!